Chapter Two

September 3 - An act of kindness

It's my birthday today. Nineteenth. Tomorrow I begin my 20th year. It seems as though birthdays always hold such promise. Your own personal New Year's Day celebration. Mother gifted me this diary, and I plan on putting it to good use. Memory is such a cruel thing. Things you care to forget never wander far, yet things you crave to hold on to seem to fade and wilt. Maybe by committing to ink my thoughts, I'll be able to hold on to them until I can share them with you. - Ellie

My wife got me this journal. Something about keeping everything cooped up inside. Feelings blah blah blah. So this is me, wasting time, appeasing her. What a crock. As if writing shit down makes a hill of beans. It won't change anything. I'm still right here, and she's still out there. And she's probably still searching for me. Why? Because she's the dreamer, and I'm the asshole. - Alistair

Chapter One

One singular act of kindness. A simple hello. Someone who took a chance. And I find myself where I am. And it's odd that I should be here. But comfortable. Familiar. And it comes easy, the words, when they didn't before. If they seem rambling, it's because my hand can't keep up with my brain. And I so badly want to record every thought, every feeling, because they may be important later. One never knows. And that's the beauty and tragedy of life, isn't it? That we don't know. But to understand where here is and what now means, there needs to be a beginning, right? But there's not. I, of all people, understand more clearly that things are set in motion before the beginning of a story in order to create a situation where a story could even be told. Again, the rambling. Just know that it's all been done before, and it will all happen again as if for the first time. Love is a funny thing, that. After all, it is the Great Muse. It makes us laugh and weep, curious and cautious, angry and joyful. And sometimes all of these at once. But I've found you this go-around. I'm certain I've found you. And you're too far away to know or care. I tread lightly and carefully, because the chance exists that I am wrong. God help me as I start this journey -- from the diary of Ellie Callaghan

She doesn't know I exist. She can't know. And she'll never know, because I'll never tell her. The last one was hard. Too hard. I can't do it again. This stupid game of leap-frogging through time. Linear hide and seek. And I've found her. I'm certain I've found her. Thank God for the distance between us. I can't risk her discovering me. It would destroy us both...... -- from the diary of Alistair Shaw

Far From Normal

It's not your looks that draw me to you.
It's not your charm.
It's not your clever banter.
It's not your quick wit.
It's the spark you get in your eye
when I'm tied. Beaten. Broken.
It's the laughter with the lash.
Happiness when hurt.
Content when bound.
It's the glee from my struggle to accept
who I am.
That I'm far from normal.

Wash

I stand naked
in the shower of earth.
Negativity, ugliness, hatred, anger
wash over me.
It runs through my hair
and into my ears and my eyes.
Tiny rivers.
But they do wash over me.
Shoulders feel heavy.
And they travel down and down.
And all the water of earth eventually
pools at my feet.
And I remember it's up to me
to step away from it.

Unwritten Diaries Kelley #1

Have you ever felt such overwhelming emotion that there is no word to describe it? I think it's love. There is a girl. She's so beautiful. She's amazing. She's funny. She's brilliant. She's perfect. I, in truth, barely know her. And yet I feel like I know everything about her. I feel like I've known her all my life. She is the person I want to come home to. When things go wrong, she is the one I want to launch myself into for comfort. I want her arms around me and her cheek on my head. She is the soul I want to spend my life with. And it's not even about sex. I mean, sex with her would be amazing, I'm sure. But I don't even care if we never kissed. I feel like I need her in my life. But it's even more than need. It's an urgency. It's a requirement. She is essential. I don't know how to tell her. Or if I should. It's a big risk. I don't know if she sees me as anything more than just a friend. So for now, I'll sit on it. I'll look at her and hold all this emotion in my chest.